2007-04-05
bad and long and bad and bad
So things are going poorly in Iraq. I was skeptical of the war from the beginning. I never even bought one of those "support our troops" magnets. And as someone who got it right and realized that the war was going to be bad and long and bad and bad, I feel like I am entitled to say that a whole lot of people would be a whole lot happier if we had never bothered with this whole Iraq war thing. But now I guess we're kind of stuck, and there's not really any way to get out that wouldn't just make things worse than they already are.
Unlesssss...
Ok. Hear me out: in the middle of the night, while everybody in Iraq is asleep, we pack up all our stuff - tanks, bombs, guns, tents, extra buildings, everything - and load it onto our planes. Whatever doesn't fit, we will Fed-ex home later because we don't want to be weighed down by having to carry stuff while we hastily flee across the vast quagmire-y dunes of the desert.
"But Ror," you say, "that means that the terrorists win!" But it doesn't mean that at all, because I am terribly clever. When we quietly flee from Iraq we won't just take our guns and planes and soldiers. Oh no, we will also take our Iraqis with us! Then the terrorists can't take over Iraq because there will be no Iraqis to take over. Besides, if Iraq is so screwed up that we can't fix it, then it is probably so screwed up that Iraqis shouldn't have to live in it. And that is the basis of my plan: we must pull Iraq out of Iraq. It is time for it to come home.
I know what you're thinking. How are we going to convince twenty-two million Iraqis to leave their homes at the drop of a hat? I realize that this is a problem, and that is why we will have to bring some Big Macs with us. You see, the mixture of the sweet taste of trans fats and appetizing aroma of Westernization (which pretty much just smells like french fries,) will be too much for them to resist. Despite creaks from every moral bone in their bodies, they will give in to the delicious deep-fried culture of the United States.
If you still doubt the plan, reconsider. This McDonald's thing is a proven theory - just ask yourself why there are McDonald's restaurants in France.
"Hmm, your ideas intrigue me. But where are we going to put twenty two million Iraqis?"
I'm glad you pointed that out, because that is a lot of Iraqis. But listen carefully because this is probably the most critical part of the plan - we move them to the moon! Now before you object, just think about it logically. Who wouldn't want to live on the moon? I mean come on! It's the moon! It's so much better than Iraq! There's plenty of room, and being on the moon is living in a sci-fi movie. If you own a dog it becomes a moon-dog. When you write your Poli Sci paper, you are writing a moon-paper. I mean, I'd probably move to the moon if it wasn't going to be chock-full of Iraqis!
The only problem is that we'll have to construct a moon-McDonald's to temper the Iraqi nation's now insatiable demand for Big Macs. Oh, and I guess we'd also have to iron out that whole 'no-oxygen, zero-gravity' thing. Whatever. Nobody said the plan was flawless.
Eventually I think we could transplant all of our problem countries to the moon. "Hey, North Korea!" we'll say. "How much cooler would it be to be North Korea... on the moon?" France, Afghanistan, most of Africa, too. Iran we might have to move to Mars, but that's okay because Mars is even cooler than the moon. It has water and that volcano thing that looks like a face.
This will make our country safe from terrorism, diversity, and French films, while fulfilling the age-old dream of putting cool stuff on the moon. No one is saying this will be easy. But nobody likes war. And everybody loves the moon.
So there it is, Americans. Your very own coherent exit strategy! Mail it to the White House for me, I'm going to bed.
zebrasaur at 12:12 a.m.
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