2007-06-29

Interview with God, Satan

Last night at the gym, I accidentally chose the treadmill in front of the wall-mounted TV playing Bill O'Reilly. Moments later, I was pleasantly appalled to discover that Ann Coulter had taken the evening off from luring children into her gingerbread house to make a guest appearance. Her book Godless: The Church of Liberalism is now out in paperback, which is fantastic because it was going to be really expensive to host that book-burning party if I had to buy it in hardcover.

I don't have a lot of hard evidence to back up my hatred of Ann, except that her face reminds me of Seabiscuit and she's got a whiny voice. Nevertheless, I can launch unfounded attacks against her to my heart's content because that is what the internet is for. But that also leaves us with unanswered questions: what is it like to attend the Godless church of the liberals? Are there human sacrifices? Do they feed on the blood of kittens? Because that is what I have heard. I'd have to read the book to find answers, and I can't do that because I already burned my copy. But I can't live with this nagging uncertainty-- are Republicans more Jesusy? Are Democrats more evil? -- so I decided to get a hold of two of the biggest names in politics right now to find out.

ZEBRASAUR: It's good to see you again God! We don't hang out much now that you've hit it big.
GOD: Thy God is an Awesome God - and a very busy one as well.
ZS: Well you are a very capable deity, God, I am sure you are excellent with time management. But why do you like the Republicans so much?
GOD: Because they are led by George Walker Bush, My one and only political hack, in whom I am well-pleased! Only through them can My Divine Will be manifest: salvation of all Mankind through school prayer, ineffectual proxy wars, oil drilling in the Alaska National Wildlife Refuge, and the institution of the flat tax!
ZS: Well that does sound like a very godly platform God!
GOD: It is! And it is the only thing which can stand in its way is the Democratic Party - the foul left arm of My demonic arch-foe, Satan!
ZS: Oh no! Not Satan!
SATAN: Blaaaargh! Yes, by Beelzebub's blistered backside! The Democratic Party has been my greatest tool in the corruption and destruction of Man since the days of FDR, but now it stands ready to realize my darkest dreams! First will come gay marriage, then the banning of the Bible, then the scorching of the earth before the Beast of the Bottomless Pit, and then - THEN - Universal health care for all! Mwa-ha-ha-ha!
ZS: Oh no! Not health care!
GOD: The fallen one speaks in blasphemies! For he knows it is written in the Commandments, "Thou shalt not socialize medicine, for Thy God is the friend of rugged bootstrappers and insurance companies, and the enemy of government handouts."
ZS: But what about gay marriage God? I thought it was good cause, you know, civil rights an stuff.
GOD: Thou hast been corrupted by a treacherous conspiracy of immoral liberal educators! For I have found Gayness to be Icky in Mine sight, and damnable to the pits of darkest perdition, just like the eating of shrimp!
ZS: We can't eat shrimp? But it's so delicious.
SATAN: RAAAAAAAAARRRGH! And every juicy morsel you taste earns you eternal torment in the lake of burning excrement, where the triple-headed demon-dogs of Dis will gnaw at your boiling entrails forever!
GOD: Yes, and a pity I left that one out of the New Testament. Two thousand years' worth of Christians gone to waste.
ZS: What can we do to make sure that American politics is Godly politics?
GOD: Vote for Godly Republicans! You will know them by Mine mark: they will be alight with the Holy Spirit, and shall speak in strange tongues - equating the estate tax with slavery, and calling for the death penalty for doctors who perform abortions on rape victims!
SATAN: No, listen to me, and be seduced to the Dark Side by my vile policies of nuclear non-proliferation, equality of all citizens, and fiscal discipline! BLAAARRRRHHH!
ZS: Get thee behind me Satan! I will resist your wiley budget hawkery!
GOD: Good work, thou good and faithful blogger! But your work does not end with simple spiritual resistence, or with even a vote for a Bush! You must of course join the Presidential Prayer Team as quickly as possible! It is crucial that as many people pray for My president and his cabinet officials and undersecretaries as possible!
ZS: But I thought you heard all prayers, God, no matter how small.
GOD: Blasphemy! If you only pray once to Me, I may not hear it - or it may be cancelled out by another prayer! Remember when you were little and you prayed that I would get you that Barbie car for Christmas?
ZS: Yes I did! I wanted that car oh so much!
GOD: Well a little Muslim girl in Pakistan was specifically praying to Me for you NOT to get that Barbie car, and thus the prayers cancelled out!
SATAN: YAAAARRGH! Yes, and now, like all unanswered prayers, your toy car belongs to Satan! AHAHAHAHAHA!
ZS: That lousy little Muslim girl! Why would she do something like that?
GOD: To destroy the West! Which is why you have to pray for George W. Bush - because the Islamists are praying to Me for Satan's Democrats to win!
SATAN: And by Hell's teeth, I grow stronger with each one of their prayers! A militant imam in Iran has just moved Hilary Clinton up two points in the latest poll! HRAAAAAAAARH!
ZS: But God can't you just not listen to bad prayers?
GOD: Sadly, no, for the King of Kings and Lord of Lords has made commitments to a number of other political organizations as well... al Qaeda, Hezbollah, Hamas, Islamic Jihad... God is on their sides, too.
SATAN: BLAAAARRGGH! But Satan is not without his own allies! In addition to the DNC, I have the godless coalition of the Green Party, the ACLU, and the UN, and with them I shall bring to fruition my nightmarish hellworld of internationalism and civic equality!
ZS: We will stop you somehow, Satan! Won't we God?
GOD: Yes, with the power of the Holy Spirit - and by smearing Satan's Vietnam record.

Well, there you have it. It was an honor as always to be able to sit down with two old pros like God and Satan. And when you're at the store buying Godless don't forget to pick up a copy of God's new book Vote For Us Or Burn In Hell!

zebrasaur at 1:42 p.m.

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