2007-07-06

Thanks for nothing, Supreme Court

Oh sweet Jesus. I take a few days away from polito-blogging and the whole world goes insane. After years of justly convicting Guantanamo prisoners of classified crimes before a fair and impartial kangaroo court of their peers, a power-mad Supreme Court has ruled that the the president has to "obey the law" and allow prisoners to have their cases heard in United States federal courts. Well this is just the kind of dangerous radicalism that leads to fascism and human rights! What are we going to do with these people, try them in actual courtrooms with lawyers, juries and "evidence"? Beware, for that way lies madness - or worse, democracy! If we give our enemies actual rights they'll turn the deadly power of our justice system against us, smuggling weaponized due process into American cities, crashing the Fifth Amendment into skyscrapers, setting off radiological writs of habeas corpus in Times Square!

And how are we going to fight the terrorists in the first place with our military tied up in bureaucratic red tape like the "Geneva Convention" and the "Bill of Rights"? We can't give up our right to torture people while the enemy's still torturing people - that's unilateral disarmament in the torture race! We've already got an atrocity gap! Oh sure, we're doing alright with our cutting-edge waterboarding, hypothermia, and "beat them to death" programs, but we'll never catch up in this fight if we don't get access to their top secret beheading technology! It's a simple question of action and response. When they blow up a mosque, we massacre a village. When they chop off someone's head, we send someone else off to Uzbekistan to get boiled alive. That's the GWOT way! But none of these vital tools will be at our disposal if we've got activist judges shutting down our Pentagon torture programs.

That's why George W. Bush has to take this case to the highester court in the land: the court of George W. Bush. It's a tough bench alright, but Bush can win this one as long as he exercises his constitutional right to ignore the Constitution. The legal technicalities are pretty complicated but I believe it involves filing a writ of neener neener according to the precedents of I Can't Hear You v. I'm Not Listening and I am Rubber v. You Are Glue. Only then can the forces of freedom protect America from the hordes of Democrofascists that would menace her with their savage civil liberties!

zebrasaur at 1:16 p.m.

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