2007-05-25

secret weapons

Let's get down to business to defeat the Huns. Or more aptly, the Chinese. Uh. That's probably only funny if you're a Mulan fan. Or a racist. (But then if you aren't at least one of those things, you're well outside the purview of my target readership demographic).

Anyway.

It looks like China has been spending an awful lot of money as of late. And apparently, they haven't been funneling it into the quality control departments of their pet food factories like the United States initially suspected. No, readers, you guessed it-- they're spending it on military development.

Acceptance of this trend as the natural consequence of China's growing economic prowess was expressed by a range of political scientists, academics, and generally anyone who doesn't skip directly to Garfield when reading a newspaper. Surpise and concern registered, predictably, on the faces of the duly elected alcoholics that populate Congress.

In an annual report from the Pentagon, Congress was informed that Beijing is moving towards a more pre-emptive defense strategy with the focus on its border areas. When asked by Senator McObvious (a first-term Senator hailing from the lush, imaginary valleys of Common-Sensylvania) to consider what other country demonstrates similar policy, Congress cleared their collective throats and awkwardly changed the subject to the pleasant spring weather.

There was some commotion about long-range ballistic missiles and a new fleet of nuclear-powered submarines, but that's not even worth repeating here because the Pentagon is forgetting one very important piece of intelligence: Chinese leaders can increase military spending until they're red in the face (which won't take long, if my experience in drinking with Asians is any example), but we've still got Arnold Schwarzenegger. Who, as anyone that saw The Terminator will tell you, is made of steel and can travel through time.

So suck it, Beijing.

(P.S. I should probably just apologize now for all of the preceeding political incorrectness. In fact, let's make that an umbrella apology, to cover all past entries, all future entries, and my torrid love affair with your spouse.)

zebrasaur at 3:18 p.m.

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