2007-07-18

Interview: Jesus Christ

There's a lot of questions floating around these days, questions that neither you nor I nor even Oprah can give answers to. And when this happens, there is only one person to call that can give us the oversimplified, biased, demi-truthful answers we desperately need. And when Dick Cheney doesn't answer his cell phone, there's only one other person to call-- his second-in-command, Jesus Christ of Nazareth, Esq.

ZS: Thank You for meeting me on such short notice, Jesus.
JESUS CHRIST: Oh, no problem Rori. Now that I have the Bush Administration to speak on my behalf, I'm really not that busy anymore.
ZS: That's nice, I guess. You could probably use a break. But... don't they misquote you a lot?
JC: Yeah, it was annoying at first. But me and the apostles turned it into this really great drinking game-- every time George Bush misinterprets the Bible or misrepresents Christianity for his own benefit, we all take a shot!
ZS: Wow!
JC: Yeah. We're totally wasted all the time.
ZS: Can I play?
JC: I'd like to say yes, but the last time we let a human try it... it didn't seem like a very good...
ZS: Ted Kennedy?
JC: Yeah. Sorry. But here, have a corndog instead.
ZS: This is a really delicious corndog, Jesus.
JC: Yeah, I like corndogs.
ZS: You know, I heard that in California they have these corndog stands where they will make a corndog for you right there, fresh on a stick, and it is a fresh corndog, and it is the most delicious thing in the world?
JC: That's got to be a damn tasty corndog.
ZS: Yes, it is the gold standard of snacking. Now Jesus, what do You think about gay marriage?
JC: In my time I was strongly opposed to the practice of divorce. Divorce is rampant in America between heterosexual couples. I don't understand how barring more couples from marrying is "defending" marriage.
ZS: That sounds kind of squishy, Jesus.
JC: Maybe it is.
ZS: Intelligent Design is the latest, hippest craze sweeping our schools. Should we replace teaching natural selection with Intelligent Design, or teach them both next to each other?
JC: I think natural selection itself seems like a pretty intelligent design.
ZS: You are not giving me a lot of red meat here Jesus.
JC: I'm sorry.
ZS: You would never make it on Hardball is all I'm saying. Jesus, who do You like in the next election?
JC: I really don't like giving political endorsements, Rori.
ZS: Oh, come on Jesus! I want to know who God wants me to vote for!
JC: I'd rather not. I'm actually a big supporter of the separation of church and state. Give unto Caesar that which is Caesar's, and give unto God that which is God's.
ZS: Does that which is God's include a bullet for Rudy Giuliani?
JC: No.
ZS: Oh.
JC: You know, Rori, a lot of people really got the wrong idea about me when I came here. They thought I was all about gaining temporal power, about building a kingdom on earth. But it was the devil who offered me the opportunity to rule the world, and I turned that down. I told my followers that I wasn't there to build an empire, but even after I died they fought wars to expand empires that ruled in my name.
ZS: So, Congress is deadlocked on the question of exiting Iraq. What is Your position on the Iraq war Jesus? Does the Holy Spirit have an exit strategy?
JC: Only that you should do what is best for the people in question. This war has cost a lot of innocent people their lives.
ZS: So you'd cut and run, Jesus? And leave millions and millions of Iraqis without freedom to enjoy or TVs to watch or You to worship?
JC: I think you're missing the point. Acquiring earthly power for the sake of the church, making laws in my name -- it's the last thing I want. I told them my kingdom was not of this world.
ZS: Is it on the moon?
JC: It's -
ZS: Because we were talking about going to the moon again, Jesus!
JC: [audibly sighs]
ZS: It would be awesome!
JC: Yes, Rori. My kingdom is on the moon.
ZS: That's so great! Jesus and the moon, together at last. Hey! I read this thing in Harper's about the US military developing an army robot to retrieve fallen soldiers! Are there robots in the kingdom of heaven, Jesus?
JC: Sure. Why not.

zebrasaur at 10:01 a.m.

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