2007-08-16

a gentle reminder

Friends! Strangers! Fishwives and carnies! Today I had all four of my wisdom teeth removed, leaving me groggy and bloody ten different shades of grumpy. So, friend or foe, it is in your best interest to heed this warning: you most certainly do not want to start with me today. If you have already made me angry- get ready- for I will rip you up to five separate and distinct new orifices which you have no practical use for and will not even extend you the courtesy of including a gift receipt.

If you think that just because you're a cat I will spare you a similar wrath, you are sorely mistaken. You make my eyes water and I sneeze like crazy when you are around, yet you insist on rubbing your warm, fur-covered body all over my legs whenever we are in a room together. And while I will not rip you any new assholes (as that would involve touching you, which I've already explained is the crux of the thing), I will think of an equally undesirable punishment suited to your size and species. Better to play it safe, stick to the catnip balls and string-based entertainment, and not start with me.

Are children, in their playful way, encouraged to start with me? The answer is incontrovertibly no. I am no child hater, nor am I "hater" in general. That said, should your child wish to start with me, I will present him or her with a non-transferable invitation to take this outside. If it is raining, I will ensure they are properly dressed and that, naturally, their shoes are tied. At this time I will stand on my knees (or take other steps to level the playing field) and fight as a child fights, that is to say: loudly and with below-average muscle control. If taking your child to daycare tomorrow with a big ol' shiner seems at all disagreeable to you, I would suggest you advise your youngster to not even toy with the idea of starting with me, and perhaps familiarize them with the term "knuckle sandwich" (I find that kids do well with food-related visual concepts of violence).

Furthermore, let this act as a warning to rocks, sand, wind (especially sand in concert with wind), the sea, rivers, lakes (let's just say all bodies of water), cumbersome furniture items over which I might stumble, and other members of the inanimate objects community.

All-

You have heard and perhaps borne witness to, or even been the surface upon which the aforementioned punishments have been applied; and I can assure you that should you elect to start with me, I will exact a revenge (upon you) with precisely zero moral qualms. After all, you have no control whatsoever over your actions, so why should I? Expect something undignified as I am confident it will remain our little secret.

zebrasaur at 11:29 p.m.

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