2007-07-30
in which I save the world from a horrible fate
I went to rent The Darwin Awards (movie, not book) tonight and was deeply disappointed and devastated to discover it doesn't come out until tomorrow. Wait, stop, hold up-- reread that last sentence. Alliteration! Masterful English prose, dear readers, crafted just for you and free of charge! But I know why you read my diary, and it's not for my skillful use of literary devices-- it's for stories about how I spent Monday night. So I won't keep you in suspense any longer.
So without a copy The Darwin Awards (which, by the way, a CERTAIN Blockbuster employee failed to recommend to me so I had to read his blog to glean the suggestion) I had to set my sights on other Darwinian activities. So in the spirit of the good old father of evolution, I thought I might spend a few hours advancing the human race a few notches on the evolutionary totem pole. You know. Maybe evolve a super power or two. Save the world from a horrible fate. That sort of thing.
Any comic book reader worth his salt will tell you that the best mutations are the result of mysterious canisters of glowing green crap. That's all it took to turn four ordinary turtles into crime-fighting ninjas who as a team generated millions of dollars worth of sales in toys, comic books, television shows and movies, and captured my imagination for years. Well I don't have any such canisters on hand. Plan B!
These same comic book readers will then tell you that the second best mutations are the results of radiation of some sort -- be it solar, extra-terrestrial, nuclear, or what have you. It worked for Superman AND Spider-Man, both of whom have had their careers extensively chronicled by Hollywood. Batman had no radiation, consequently he has no superhuman powers, which is why his movies just get progressively worse and worse. I mean, really, did you see Batman & Robin? Day-glow fluorescent street gangs? And that song by Seal? Come on, now. (I you have any taste at all, it will be obvious that Batman Begins is the exception to the rule) He did, however, manage to defeat the governor of California, so he's not completely hopeless. Nevertheless, I still say Uma Thurman looks a lot better in green tights than Jim Carrey. And I am comfortable enough with my sexuality to admit that. If I were gay... but I digress.
Radiation is the way to go. Common household source? Enter the microwave! To heat up my water for tea just now, I turned it on full blast for two minutes and stood really close to it the whole time. In fact, I leaned on it. And I will do so again come lunchtime tomorrow, and every time I want to heat up some water or marshmallows or whatever. Just in case that isn't enough, I also plan to make a couple of cell-phone calls too. Although sadly I suspect I'm receiving the wrong kind of radiation, and will not mutate and gain super-powers or any additional ability; that in reality I'm just going a little way towards ensuring that my genes die out with me.
Still, I guess that could qualify as saving the world from a horrible fate nonetheless.
zebrasaur at 8:19 p.m.
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